This is Why It Sucks Being a Colts Fan

B-Moore 09.10.2017 Sports , , , , , , ,

The first question I normally receive when I tell people that I’m a Colts fan is “Are you from Indiana?”

No.

“So…Why are you a Colts fan?”

Long story short, I’m from Charleston, SC (Hollywood actually, another story for another time) — growing up we didn’t have a professional sports team that was close. I mean we had the Falcons (5 hours away) but nah. When the Panthers came around, I was already cemented in my fandom of the Colts.

Why did I choose the Colts? The helmets, Marshall Faulk, the belief that Jeff George was a legit QB and Harbaugh’s failed Hail Mary attempt to beat the Steelers in the playoffs. I flirted with being a Cowboys fan, but that was mainly because my older brother was a fan and I really liked Michael Irvin. So as an adult I threw all my eggs in the Colts basket and never looked back.

Now why does it suck to be a Colts fan?

Two Words. Jim Irsay. Actually 3, Jim Muthaf*ckin Irsay.

He’s the NFL’s poster child for white male mediocrity. He wants to be Jerry Jones but without the cache or personality (ahem, rings). He’s the number 1 reason why it sucks right now to root for this team. I’ve watched them put a generational talent behind a subpar offensive line; and they couldn’t be decent enough to find a young running back that could, you know, pass block.

Denver had a decade of pulling people from car dealerships and turning them into 1000 yard backs, but we decide to sign an aging Frank Gore. We actually made a conscious decision to keep him. I was hoping that it was a mercy signing and he would be cut in the offseason. But no, we’re on year 3 of this sh!t. Please don’t let his fantasy impact impair real life. He sucks. None of this suckitude would be possible if it wasn’t for Jim Irsay.

The man child gets rid of the dumpster fire that was Ryan Grigson only to bring in Chris Ballard. Who? Why? This genius would rather trot Scott Tolzien out there than to gamble on Colin Kaepernick. Hell I would have rather a run at Cutler. Stevie Wonder clearly can see our offensive line is garbage. I will give Ballard some credit for prioritizing defense in the draft by selecting defensive players in the first 3 rounds. I love the pick of Malik Hooker. Everyone else is going to be a project. Did I mention that none of our first 5 picks are scheduled to start? Shoot me in my pinky toe.

Did I also mention that more than likely Andrew Luck won’t be ready for the start of the season? The AFC South (Mariotta is my fantasy QB in many leagues — cue Terrell Owens cry face) has steadily improved over the past 5 years while we have continued to slide to the back of the pack.

You remember when Peyton Manning was holding the Colts together with duct tape and yarn? This was proven when he got injured and we went from a perennial Super Bowl contender to a 2-14 trash bag team? Can you believe history is repeating itself?

Luck’s first 3 years he did the impossible and took a team with basement talent to the playoffs and won games. Guess what? He got hurt. While we didn’t go 2-14, we did and still do absolutely suck on both sides of the ball. I scream to the heavens ‘How is this happening again?!!!’ Why hath thou forsaken me? To everything that is holy and Bill Polian — can you please give this team some guidance?

Chuck Pagano, BRING YOUR ASS OVER HERE, BOY!

I hate to say you suck, but you kind of do. I get it, you’re a glorified summer camp counselor with a great story.

Fam, we need you gone. Just go. I am still #CHUCKSTRONG but I need to Chuck to not be the head coach. I plead with you, take your golden parachute and chill on an island and sip some mai tais. You’re a cancer survivor, you’ve earned it. Doesn’t that sound great?

Oh, you WANT to coach? Look I WANT a lot of things. I WANT to be 6’6 but I’m stuck in my 5’10 frame. I know you WANT to coach but you should NOT be coaching this team. Only by the good grace of 6 pound born under the North Star skin of bronze baby Jesus are you even employed.

This is going to be a long season. It will be a long few seasons until we can figure out a way to protect Andrew ‘I’m not amish’ Luck and field a professional level defense. We have a severe lack of talent on this team with the exception of TY Hilton (who is baby Antonio Brown), and Donte Moncrief is showing promise. Vontae Davis’ best days are behind him and yet we still consider him a shut down corner. Joke’s on us.

With all of that said, I will continue to watch them play a brand of football that is barely competitive and deal with bad roster moves one after another.

That’s what sports is about, right? Suriving the lean times so the great times feel better. Every small light that we have seen recently has been followed by a bad cap contract disguised as a train. The worst part of it all  — we’re not bad enough to really be in consideration for a great draft pick. It will be another year of us being painfully average.

Oh Christ, Jim, pass the valium I can’t watch this.

Record Prediction: 5-11

PS: Irsay, give Baltimore their championships back.

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